The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks
by Bobette the Builder
Summary: Evil chipmunks are plotting to take over the world, so it's up to Saria, Navi, and Zelda to unwittingly save the day! Includes getting humorously drunk, evil marbles, squished Australian spiders named Steve, and poor turkies. Now taking cameo requests!
1. Chapter 1: They're heeere

**The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks**

_A Fanfiction by Bobette the Builder, Wielder of the All Mighty Pie and Scorner of Cute n' Fuzzy Things _

**Chapter 1: They're heeeere…**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Zelda, and there's nothing you can do to stop that. HAH!

**Author's Note:** Yuppers, I'm baaaaaaaacckk! Miss me? Mwah! Ok, I had to retype chappies 1 and 2 since I wasn't able to save them from their horrible demise. (sniff, sniff) Oh, and this was changed to 'normal' format for legal reasons… (shakes fist at stupid rules) Anyhoo, here's da story! WOOOO!

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

The sun was shining, birds were tweeting, flying monkeys were drinking coffee, and it was indeed a perfect day as Link, Saria, and Zelda played an intense game of marble, the hardest and most difficult game there ever was (yes, its even more intense then hopscotch.) outside of Link's pad.

Saria rolled a marble and knocked Zelda's out of circle. "YESSSSSSS! I got your swirly bluey and noooow yoooouuu dooooon'tttt! Ha ha, loser!" she crowed, doing several backflips in her glee.

"Yes, yes, jolly good. Stupid meaniehead…" Zelda muttered, holding her rather sad amount of marbles in her hand.

"Ok, myyy turn!" said Link, as Saria turned purple with rage at the insult. He shot his marble and grinned widely. "HA HA! YOUR RED-EYED POLKA DOTTY IS MINE NOW, ZELDA! ALLLLL MINE!" he shrieked, sticking his tongue out at the dejected princess.

Zelda sighed. "Everything happens to Eeyore… I mean Zelda…"

"Yeaaaahh…whatever." said Saria, and threw Link's new red-eyed polka dotty away.

"Hey, what was that for?" Link whined, pouting profusely.

"I dunno, I just felt like it."

"O-kaaaaayyy…Well, go get it, then." Link said, pointing to where the marble had gone.

'Nope!" said Saria, smiling sweetly.

"Come oooooooon!"

"No!"

"Pwease?"

"No!"

"…Damn you and your mad arguing skills! Fine, I'll go get it…" said Link, and Saria yelled "Boo ya!" and did a little Irish jig. "Shut up," Link scowled, and went on his merry way to find the marble.

He found the red-eyed polka dotty rolling down the path through the Haunted Woods, and began following it at a leisurely pace.

**Three Hours Later**

Signs of Link's madness began to show as he continued to follow the marble down the path….

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to follow the marble I go! To follow it all the way and eat some pretty colored mushrooms that make the pink elephants come out and play, hi ho, hi hooo!"

**One Hour Later**

Link, having re-sung all the songs in his memory (and some he made up), checked his watch. "Why the shnizzle is this stupid marble STILL ROLLING?" he asked to himself (yes, that's just how crazy he is).

"Cuz you're stupid, that's why." replied the marble.

"..." was all Link could think of saying.

"Ha, I got you there, didn't I? BURN! Now you shall forget this eeeever happened." said the red-eyed polka dotty, as it veered off the track and rolled into some bushes.

"Ooooooo-kay…" said the officially cracked up and freaked out Link. He walked over to the bushes and bent down to pick up the Demented Marble when he heard voices coming from past the trees.

"Are we stocked up on acorn ammo?" said one rather high-pitched voice.

"Yes, Lord Chippy." came another, more weary, voice.

"Are the troops assembled?"

"Yes, Lord Chippy."

"Did you pick up some bonbons? You know I can't properly rule without my Bonbons."

"Yes, Lord Chippy."

"Excellent! Now no one shall stop us! NOOOO OOOONNNNEEEE!'

"Yes, Lord Chippy."

Link, being the hero that he is, stepped through the bushes valiantly, his sword unsheathed. "HALT, ye fowl fien-" he began, then stopped short as dozens of cute, furry, chipmunks wiggled their noses at him.

The following few minutes went a little like this:

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Then, finally, Link said something. "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, CHIPMUNKS! EEE HEE HEEEEEEEE!"

The chipmunks wiggled their noses some more and puffed up their cheeks, turning the Cute-a-Meter up a notch.

"Ooooooh, I'm sure I have some peanuts around here somewhere…" he said, frantically searching through his numerous pockets.

"SILENCE!" yelled one of the bigger chipmunks, which had a crown on its head. "We do not want your petty peanuts! Troops, ATTAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKK!" With that battle cry, all of the chipmunks each picked up an acorn and threw it at Link.

"I say, this isn't very ni— I say, stop throwing those acorns at me! They're starting to hurt! Ow! Ow ! Ow! What did I just sa— OWW! OW! Ow..…." with those last words, Link fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Excellent!" said Lord Chippy again. "And soon we shall rule Hyrule, and then…THE WORLD! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!"

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

And there's Chapero Uno. Sorry for the shortness, but it's the first chappie, what do you expect? Don't forget to review, but no flames, please! I'm too pretty to get burned! (sniffsniff) Hehe…


	2. Chapter 2: Beerses and Lack Thereof

**The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks**

**Chapter 2: Beerses and Lack Thereof**

**Disclaimer:** I own Zelda as much as I love math, which I don't, so I don't. Oookay?

**Thankies to:**

**Cucco Overlady**: Oh yeeeaaahh? Then I'LL set my evil…errrrrr…..FLYING MONKEYS OF DOOM ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE! MWA HA HAH! ….Unless you're Dorothy. Damn you, Dorothy! DAAAMMNNN YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU! Ahem. Thanks for the kind reviiieeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!

**AAAyekoms:** I KNOW, isn't? PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE EVIL, I SHAY! PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRREEEEEE EEEEEVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLL!

**Mindraptor:** JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY! (does a happy dance)

**Mugsy:** Awwwwwwwwwww, thanks! I try to make this as madnessy as possible!

**Wolf McCloud-123**: 0.o Whoooooa! Take a breather! Just cuz I haven't mentioned you YET, doesn't mean I won't! I'm saving a special part for you! How can you be so cruuueeellll? WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (runs off)

**Author's Note: **Sorry for da lateness! Blame school. It's so evil. It makes me miss my soaps. X.x HOWEVER, this chappie is a bit longer than the last, so YAY!

Since I had to restart this story, all the former reviews were erased. Subliminally add 32 extra reviews, ok? That'll make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Mmm k, enjoy Chapter Two!

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

The moon glowed overhead, birds plotted the downfall of other birds, and flying monkeys drank Irished coffee (they're very addicted, you know) as Saria and Zelda sat exactly as they were a few hours ago. This time, however, Saria was sitting next to a huge pile of marbles while Zelda had no marbles at all, and was slightly puffy-eyed for the fact. They were now playing a game the Kokiri had found in the basement.

Zelda moved her piece across the board and grinned evilly. "CHECKERS!" she yelled, cackling in a way no princess should.

". . .We were playing chess." said Saria, with a sigh.

"Ohhh, riiiight. Heh heh." she said sheepishly, and put the piece back to its original place. She thought for a few minutes, her face contorted in concentration, then moved the piece once again. "CHECK MATE!"

Saria looked down at the board to see Zelda was right. "…I hate you."

"Yeah, I know! Hee hee!" she laughed girlishly, throwing her hair back. Saria muttered words under her breath that I shall not write here since this isn't Jerry Springer, after all. Zelda took no notice.

"Hellooooooo? Shouldn't we find Link? He's been gone for QUITE a while, you know!" said a muffled voice nearby.

"WHO'S THAT!" Saria screeched, a pointy stick raised protectively in front of her.

The pile of marbles next to shuddered, then exploded, sending marbles scattering everywhere. Lo! and behold, there floated—"NAVI!" yelled Navi, or was at least planning to before Saria began beating the fairy with her stick like a madwoman. "DIE, YOU EVIL MARBLE STEALING GLOWING LIGHT OF DOOOOOOOOOMMMM! DDIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MWA HA HAAAAH!"

"Uhhh, Saria?" Zelda said, tapping her on the shoulder delicately. "That's Navi…"

"Ohhh, right. My bad. Sorry Navi!" she said brightly, patting the fairy on the head. Navi twitched and started to ever so slightly foam at the mouth.

"Sooo Navi, what were you doing in those marbles?" asked Zelda hurriedly before she went crazy. As it turned out, it only made matters worse.

"Ooooh, you wanna know what I was doing? Really, you do? Truuuuuuuuely? I WAS BEING USED AS A FRICKIN' MARBLE!" she yelled, flapping up so she was an inch away from Zelda's face, spittle flying every which way "IT WAS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, LET ME TELL YOU! OH, DA PAIN! OH THE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINN! Waaaahh…" She fell to the ground, sobbing loudly.

"Hey, you know what'll cheer everybody up?" said Saria cheerfully, putting the stick into the recesses of her tunic (much to Navi's relief).

"Whassat?" asked Zelda.

"SUPERHAPPYFUNTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEEE!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled the other two, and so the whole gang had a SuperHappyFunTime. Drinks and Pixie Stix were in every hand and wing, and they did indeed have the superest, happiest, funnest time of their lives.

**Two Hours Later**

Zelda was lying on the ground, holding two empty bottles and looking at them sadly. Saria was doing the Conga Dance (yes, the drunk's favorite dance) by herself, kicking her legs off beat. Navi was flying around in circles, yelling "SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUPERHAPPYFUUUUUNTIMESUPERHAAAAPYFUUUNTIME!" over and over. This is why you should never drink or eat sugar, kids! IT ROTS YOUR MIIIIIIIINNNDDDDD! –cough- Anyhoo, back to the story.

Zelda turned the bottles over, tapping them to see if any beer would come out. Nothing did except a frog, which gave Zelda a resentful glance and hopped away. "We-hic-we-re outta beereses…' she said, or at least tried to say.

"But WHERE has all the rum gone?" moaned Saria.

"I know where some beerses ish! FOLLOW MEEEEEEE!" yelled Navi triumphantly as she began flying lopsidedly towards Link's pad, with Saria and Zelda following dumbly behind. She fumbled with the lock and stumbled in, cursing randomly. The fairy led them towards the kitchen and to a large door on the wall. Navi made a striking pose and said dramatically "Dun dun dun DUUUUN! LINK'S SECRET ALCOHOL CABINET! Wooooooo!"

"Aw right, shu-weeeeeeet!" cooed Saria, pulling out a crowbar from her pocket.

"How did you…?' began Zelda.

"Don't ask.' muttered Saria, sitting down in front of the cabinet. She clasped her hands together and prayed; "Dearest All Powerful and Wonderful Goddesses, Please lemme open this cabinet successfully to get at the beerses. Thankies, Saria." she ended, and started to pry open the door.

**o.o.o.o.o**

Hundreds of miles away (and in a different universe), The Three Goddesses sat around in beach chairs getting a tan in the Secret Goddess Hideout in LA.

"Ohhhh, you want beerses, do ya?" hooted Farore as she got a massage from a guy with no shirt on (who was also, coincidently, the gardener).

"Weeell, we can't say no to that, can we?" said Nayru sensibly, sipping a Pina Colada through a silly straw.

"Fine you may have your beers." said Din solemnly. "But you have to share with us! OR WE'LL GO OLD SCHOOL ON YOUSE!" Clouds formed overhead, rain poured from the sky, and lightning crackled all around the Goddess of Power (riiiight?). It was quite a dramatic display. Farore rather spoiled the effect by throwing a beach ball at her.

"Shut up. You're ruining our vacation."

"Here, here." said Nayru, raising her glass.

"…Bugger off." The gloomy Din muttered, and went to a corner to sulk.

**o.o.o.o.o**

Hem, hem. Back to the robbers. Saria, having not heard a word the goddesses had said, being in a different universe and all, successfully opened the cabinet to reveal—

"Alcohoooooooooll….' breathed Zelda, drooling excessively. Yes, it was indeed alcohol, which I was about to say before I was ever so rudely interrupted. Stacks and stack of it, from gin to vodka to Chardonnay to old fashioned beer.

"It's…so ….beautiful…" whispered Navi, falling down to her metaphorical knees.

Saria, being the drunk that she is, shoved the other two away and grabbed a bottle of vodka. She unscrewed the bottle cap and grinned. "Thank goddesses Link's a secret alcoholic! CHEERS!" She upended the bottle over her mouth and started chugging as Navi and Zelda followed suite, oblivious to the storm clouds forming above….

**o.o.o.o.o**

Ok, back to the Secret Goddess Hideout in LA.

"LOOK AT THAT STUPID DRUNK! SHE'S NOT SHARING!" shouted Din, literally foaming at the mouth.

"How can they be so cruuuueeeellll?" Farore moaned. "HOOOOWWWW!"

Nayru shook her fist at the sky. "WHY, GODDESSES, WHHHYYYYEEEEEE!" She stopped as the other two goddesses stared at her. Realization dawned. "Oh yeaaaaaaaah…"

"Time for a little revenge…." said Farore, rubbing her hands together evilly.

"MWA HA HAAAA! SAY YOUR PRAYERS, BUT THEY WON'T HELP YA!" yelled Din, eyes aflame with anger. She clapped her hands together, and something very peculiar happened a universe away….

**o.o.o.o.o**

All the alcohol had disappeared.

Not one can of beer, not one bottle of champagne, not even that stuff with a big skull on it. It was all gone. The trio was not very happy about it. Not very happy at all. Zelda was in full tantrum mood, crying like an oversized baby with too much makeup on. Saria was sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently. And Navi was lying on the floor, twitching, her light or whatever you call it a icky greenish blue. They were all very devastated, indeed.

**o.o.o.o.o**

The goddesses, however, were as happy as clams, which is an odd saying when you think about it; clams are low on the food chain and often live short, miserable lives. But ANYWAY, enough rambling. They were happy. Gosh, it would've been a lot easier just to say that, wouldn't it? Oh well, too late now. : D

Now the goddesses had every ounce of alcohol from the Secret Alcohol Cabinet and were drinking it like there was no tomorrow (which, in the Secret Goddess Hideout, was true.) Farore was lying under the table, quaffing her beer (yeeeesssss, it's a word!) while Din and Nayru sat slumped around said table playing Strip Poker. The fact that neither of them had clothes in the first place wasn't relevant.

"What's the deaaaaal wif da platypus?" asked Farore drunkedly, as both the poker goddesses above placed down a royal flush simultaneously. "I meeaaaann, is it a duck? Is it a beaver? Choose one already, dammit! Its maaaaadnesss! Absolute maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadnesssss! And why ish someone who's maaaaaaaad called nuts? Nuts aren't maaaaaadd! Squirrelses like 'em, birds like 'em, octupuseses like 'em, and they aren't maaaaaaaadd! Its maaaaaadnessss, I shay! Everything ish maaaaaadnesss!"

"That's nice, dear." murmured Din. "HAH! Say goodbye to you socky-poo, Nayru! NYER NYER NYER NYEEER!"

"Damn it all." Muttered the Goddess of Wisdom, and took off her remaining piece of clothing off her head and into Din's face. She screeched and flung it away, fearing of cooties. It flew full speed into a random turkey, who went "Gobble gobble?" before being knocked into the Never Ending Hole of DooooOOoooom, never to be seen again. Weeeell, with its feathers on. And without all that stuffing.

"I TOLD you we should have put a fence around that!" yelled Farore, snapping out of her drunken ranting (she was currently talking about how bananas are pure evil).

"Goddesses?" said Nayru slowly. "I think now is a good time to… FLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And with that, they did.

**o.o.o.o.o**

Just then, 1249843495340519013.00002 light-years away, Navi remembered something really, really important. "HUZZAAAAHHH!" she cried, all a twitter (whatever the hell THAT means). "I know where some more alcohol ish! It's in," Here she put her pinkie wing to her lip as the I'm-revealing-an-evil-plan theme began playing from Austin Powers. "Link's Secret Still!"

Saria stared wide-eyed at the fairy. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you right now." She straightened up. "We shall find Link, poke him with pointy objects until he reveals the location of the Secret Still, then drink until we do something we shall later regret!"

"HURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" shouted Navi, pumping her wings in the air.

"I dunnooooo. I mean, do we REALLY need to find his Secret Still? I mean, reeeeaally? All we're doing is egging on Saria's drunkenness. I really don't…see…the…point…" Zelda said, but faltered under the Kokiri's death glare. "Let's go get us some beerses?" she offered.

"Right on! And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!" said Saria, and so the Trio left Link's Pad and went off to find Link and get the whereabouts of his Secret Still.

**o.o.o.o.o**

A few feet away, hidden in a leafy tree, a cute, furry creature whispered into a walkie talkie. "The robins have left the nest. Repeat, the robins have left the nest." it said, and scurried off into the night.

**o.o.o.o.o**

A few miles away, in a Secret Volcanic Lair, another cute, furry creature stared blankly at its own walkie talkie. "What the fo shizzle was Jim talking about? There are no robins in winter! What a dumb schmuck…." It was then hit and killed by a falling turkey, which then fell into another Never Ending Hole of DoooOOOoom. Poor Mr. Turkey….

**o.o.o.o.o**

And in the Secret Goddess Lair in Bermuda (they relocated, you see), the goddesses invited all their masseuses, gardeners, and god/goddess friends and had a SuperHappyFunTime of their own. With drinks in unlimited supply, they had a grand old time, indeed. Until the neighbors called the police on them, that is. But the Goddesses had them obliterated, so it was aaaallllll right.

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

YAAAYY, CHAPTAH TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Pwease review it, okay? You'll get some caaaaaaaaaaaaaannnndddddddddddddddddyyy! n.n


	3. Chapter 3: Red Eyed Polka Dotty

**The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks**

**Chapter 3: Red-Eyed Polka Dotty**

**Disclaimer:** I owned all of Zelda, but then I woke up. I don't own 'Play That Funky Music', either. But I DO own Bob. Really!

**Thanks to:**

**Cucco Overlady:** Yeah, crashing parties and alcohol are fab! Er, only if you're 21 and over, of course! (cough) DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, KIDDIES!

**AAAyekoms**: Really? Woooow. I didn't know that they let you out of the soft-walled room to go on the computer! Maaan, what a rip-off…Just kidding. : D Yeah, poor Mr. Turkey. So very, very unloved. (throws a handful of candy at you) Hee hee…

**G.Reaper:** Weird random stuff is da bomb! Fo shiz. (eats some pie) Yeah, the Never Ending Hole of Doom is Mr. Turkey's arch-nemesis…Oh, their antics never cease to amuse me!

**Wolf McCloud-123:** I know, being sugar-high makes you do craaaazy things….crazy things in Vegas….crazy things in Vegas that I'm not entirely proud of….(coughcough) Anyhoo, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that I'm one of your fave authors! n.n

**Author's Note**: Yeah, I took forever to update...again. I've been busy doing nuthin' an' stuff. You know how it is! …Right?

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

Zelda, Saria, and Navi set off from Link's pad and went out to find Link. But before they could go very far, however, they first had to get ready…

Navi put on a Sherlock Holmes hat and flew around, looking at stuff with her magnifying glass and puffing at her pipe.

Zelda looked at her oddly. "Navi….What ARE you doing?"

"Well, if we want to find Link, we need to get into detective mode, right? And all fab detectives look like this, ya know? Besides, this hat makes me look suave, see? Indubitably." said Navi, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Uh huh….And so you're trying to be Sherlock Holmes?"

"Indubitably again, my ol' chum!"

Now both Zelda and Saria looked at her oddly, wondering what was in that pipe of hers.

"Now let's stop this poppycock and get on with it all ready!" screeched Navi, brandishing her pipe at the pair like a sword.

"Navi, not to hurt your feelings, but…" Saria began, backing away from the demented fairy. **"YOU ARE THE SUCKIEST ENGLISHMAN EVER! YOU COULDN'T DO AN ENGLISH ACCENT IF YOU'RE LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! EVEN PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE AMAZON WOULD SAY YOU SUCK! AND THEY'RE ISOLATED FROM CIVILIZATION!"**

Navi sniffed, dropping her detective equipment to the ground, where it mysteriously vanished. "Ouch, man. Very ouch."

Saria twitched. "Are you trying to be AUSTIN POWERS NOW?

Navi slowly sidled away. "…Um……….No-o-o-o-o-o-o…." She quickly hid her square glasses and bottle of mojo behind her back.

" Hmmmmm……Good enough for me! Let's go!"

And NOW they truly set off to find Link , following his footprints with smiley faces on the soles. Awwww, is he cute or what? Hehehehehehehehe….

Zelda checked her watch, then sighed. "Are we THERE yet?" she whined piteously.

"We JUST left Link's house!" said Saria, ticked off with how stupid the princess was.

"Oh…Tee hee! Silly me!"

Saria just sighed.

**(One and a Half Minutes Pass)**

"Are we theeeeeere yet?" asked Zelda yet again.

"NO! We JUST left the village! Look, Mido is even waving at us!" Saria shrieked, pointing to where Mido was indeed waving his arms and jumping up and down at them.

"Oh. HIYA MIDO!" Zelda yelled, waving back at the Kokiri.

Saria committed murder in her head.

Navi put on spectacles and squinted through them. "I say, look at him jumping like that! He looks completely bonkers!"

"Now Navi, what did we say about trying to be English?" said Saria patiently, like a teacher telling a 3-year old why it's wrong to beat someone over the head with a My Little Pony.

"To…..not…?" ventured Navi.

"VERY good!" She gave Navi a cookie.

"YAY!"

"Awww, I wanna cookie!" Zelda pouted, her arms folded over her chest.

"And I want a pool full of tequila. It just ain't happenin'."

"Frick on a stick with a frick!" muttered Zelda, and so the trio passed over the bend, oblivious to Mido's calls…

"WAIT! HEEELP!" howled Mido, jumping up and down frantically. "EVIL CHIPMUNKS! OF DOOOOOOOOOM! AND ACORNS! THE HORROR, THE HORROR OF IT ALL! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

A Random Chipmunk (who I shall name Bob just for the helluvit) jumped up and smacked Mido with a rolled up newspaper. "Silence, fool!" Bob said, and snapped his wittle chipmunky fingers, making hundreds of chipmunks jump Mido.

"…!" said Mido, and he was never seen again. Or at least until I find some use for him.

_Now, back to the stars of the show._

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to find Link we go! To bring back Link, then steal his drinks, hi ho, HI HO!" sang Zelda out of tune as she skipped along her merry away.

"Do you HAVE to sing that song?" asked Saria crossly. Zelda was not known for her singing skills. It'd make Simon Cowell end up in a room with soft walls. (Like AAAyekoms! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I kill myself sometimes.)

"….No." Zelda conceded after a few minutes thought.

"Good!"

A few crickets chirped in the silence. Zelda coughed, and then-

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps toooonniiiiggghhhtttttt!"

"Aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop aweem awop awem awop aweem awop…" went the fairy chorus.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN the jungle, the miiigghhhttyy jungle the lion sleeps tooonnniggghhhhhttt!"

"OoooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOoooOO bum bum away…..AHHHHHHHHH OoooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOoooOO bum bum away!"

Saria fell to the ground sobbing. "Why, Goddesses? WWWHHHHYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE?"

"Because I just don't like you. Na HAH!" said Farore nastily as she sipped a martini at the Secret Goddess Hideout.

"Ah Saria, there, there!" Zelda patted her on the back and gave her a super Pixie Stix, now with 50 more pixieness! (yes, I stoop so low as too subliminally advertise. The shame!)

Saria sniffed. "Awww, thanks..." She upturned it over mouth and started chugging it. When she was down, she looked around in a daze. "Hmmmmmmm……I feel…..like…..SINGING!" A small part of Saria keeled over and died.

The song "Play That Funky Music" began to play and Saria sang:

"Ohhhhhhh, I'm dancin', and singin', and movin' to the groove'n, and just when, it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted—"

Here everybody joined in. "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOOOOOYYY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC OOOHHHHOOHHHHH! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOOOOOOOYYYYYY, LAY DOWN THE BOOOOGGGYY AND PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC TILL YOU DIE!"

And so they continued singing (shudder) as they walked along Link's tracks. Soon they were right near the place where we last saw Link…..

A lone marble grinned evilly (as well as a marble can) and quietly rolled under Zelda's foot. The princess tripped and fell, setting up a domino effect. Saria tripped over Zelda, and Navi tripped over Saria (despite the fact she's flying), landing them in a tumbled heap of arms, legs, and wings.

"…What was that?" Zelda asked, her voice muffled partially by Saria's shoe.

Navi detangled herself from the others and flew over to the Marble, magnifying glass in her wing. The Marble did its best to look innocent.

"It's Link's red-eyed polka dotty! A Clue!" she proclaimed, picking it up.

Saria got up and brushed herself off. "Ewwwwwwww, I have Zelda cooties! Unclean, unclean!" she squealed, hopping from foot to foot.

Zelda got up and glared at her. "Shaddup." She muttered, regretting giving Saria that Pixie Stix. Drunk Saria was much easier to deal with than Hyper Saria. "Navi, I really really really don't think you should touch that…"

"Why not? It's just a harmless lil marble!" the fairy said, giving it a playful shake. A growl emitted from the Marble.

"But its evil, I tells you!"

"That's crazy!"

"No, the marble is! AND evil!"

"Am not!" said the red-eyed polka dotty indignantly.

Saria and Navi went bug-eyed, while Zelda gave them an I-told-you-so look.

The Marble fidgeted and looked around worriedly. "I mean…..ummmmmm…….eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..aw, screw it! RAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" It, er, rahhed, and bounced up and began smacking Navi upside the head.

Zelda and Saria sat down on the sidelines and watched the fight, eating from a bag of popcorn that had appeared from no where.

"Ummm….guys?" said Navi, trying to shield herself from the Marble's blows and failing miserably. "HELP ME!"

Zelda put her finger to chin and began stroking it, like those guys with goatees do. You know what I'm talking about. "Ummmmm……..no."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

"And sprinkles too?" asked Zelda hopefully.

Uh huh!" Navi nodded vigorously.

"NOPE!"

"…I'll give you moooonnnnneeeeeeeeeyy…"

"Weeeeell, since you put it that way…OK!" Zelda threw some Anti-Marble Holy Water on the marble.

The Marble screeched, twitching madly. "IT BUUUURRRRNNNSSSSS, IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS! AAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" It blew up with a small 'ow'.

"And THAT takes care of THAT!" Zelda said triumphantly, then held out her hand expectantly (ha, it rhymes!) "And my payment, please?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever...though you shoulda done it to be nice, but whatever…." Navi muttered, handing her a silver rupee (which was actually a green rupee painted silver, but don't tell Zelda that.)

"Thank you!" said the princess, pocketing the money. Navi muttered some more under her breath.

"Awwwwww…" moaned Saria, putting away the popcorn. "Zelda, how'd ya know the marble was evil?"

"Well….."

**(FLASHBACK)**

Zelda lurked in the garden on the palace grounds, looking pitiful and depressed and pathetic and whatnot. Why, you ask? She had run out of precious, precious marbles. "Why must everything happen to me?" she cried, making a dramatic pose.

A Random Marble Peddler (RMP) walked past the palace, ringing his bell in a mad, cheerful sort of way. "Marbles! Get yer maaarrrbblllesss! Juicy fresh maaaarrrbbblllllless! Get 'em while they're hot! Marrrrrbbbbbllllleeeessss!"

"Oooo, the Marble Peddler! He's early today! JOY!" said Zelda gleefully, skipping over.

"Hi there, madam! Take a look at my wares! We've got marbles from alllll over Hyrule at quite cheap prices! In fact," RMP said, rummaging through a bucket of marbles. "Here's our Marble of the Day, the red-eyed polka dotty at the low, low price of ten rupees!"

"I'll take it!"

"Excellent! It absolutely NEVER loses and is the greatest of fun! But I must warn you, it is possessed and is pure ev--"

"You had me at hello! Yoink!" she said, throwing the money in his face, grabbing the marble, then running away, cackling evilly.

RMP scratched his head, looking confused. "I never said hello..."

**(In Zelda's room)**

Zelda sat on her overwhelmingly pink bed amidst dozens of stuffed animals, stroking the red-eyed polka dotty fondly. "Oh Mr. Marble, we're going to be the bestest of friends! We'll have tea parties and eat ice cream and everything! It shall be ever so fun!" As you can tell, Zelda doesn't get out much. 'Cept when she's being kidnapped, of course.

"Not likely, ya freak!" yelled the marble, twisting away from Zelda's grasp and flinging itself out the window.

Zelda blinked at the broken window for a few seconds, then …….. "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Impa hurriedly rushed in. "What is it, Zeldie? Did another toy leave you again?" she asked, sympathetically.

"Mr. Marble (sob) jumped out the window! (sob) He just went an', an', (sob) an' left me! How could he be so cruuuuueeeeeellll? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zelda bawled, curling up into the fetal position and sucking her thumb.

"Aww, there, there! I'll just get that mean ol' Mr. Marble, all right?"

Zelda nodded. "Mmm hmm…"

Impa stood right outside window, making a dramatic pose (yeah, royal people like making dramatic poses. It's what they do.) with her tranquilizer gun. "Da hunt ees awn. HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She jumped through window, rolled easily on the ground, and pounced on the Marble, who was, up till now, slowly but surely rolling away to freedom. "Now," she said levelly, smoking a cigar that had magically appeared in her fingers. "Do you want to do this da easy way or da hard way?"

The Marble grinned nastily and spat at Impa. "Bring it on, biatch!" Yes, we can aaaaalll see how manly the Marble is.

Impa wiped the spittle away with the back of her hand. "Oh no you di'in't!" She straightened the barrel of the tranquilizer gun and pointed it at the Marble. "Buh bye now!" she said, and pulled the trigger. The SFX Guy loudly went "KABLOOIE!"

As the smoke cleared, the Marble sat just as he was, a broad smile on his face. "Wah ha ha! You can't hurt me so easily, fool!"

Impa nodded thoughtfully. "We'll see about that, won't we?" She then shot the Marble fifty times with enough tranquilizer to take out a herd of rabid hamsters.

The Marble twitched, slowly. "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeee….." he said, then passed out.

"Fwa ha ha ha ha! I am victorious!" Impa grinned, grabbing the marble and jumping back up through the window (even though it's four stories up). She plopped it on Zelda's lap. "Here ya go, dearie!"

Zelda clapped her hands together joyfully. "YAAAAAAAY! Thank you!"

"Now if he gives you any trouble, just tranquilize him!" said the nanny, throwing her the tranquilizer and leaving the room.

Zelda smiled in an all together evil kind of way. "Oh, I will. I will indeed. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Marble winced. "…Crap."

**(END FLASHBACK)**

"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow." said Saria, munching on some more popcorn.

"Yeah, I know!" said Zelda. "But now………I LOST MY BESTEST FRIEND! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" She started sobbing uncontrollably…again.

Navi flitted back and forth uncertainly. "Errrr….here, have a lollypop!" She handed the princess a lollypop, in the hopes that candy made everything better.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" squealed the princess, twirling around with her new 'best friend'.

Saria pouted. "Hey, I wanna lollypop! GIMME GIMME GIMME!" She also started sobbing uncontrollably.

The fairy backed away hurriedly. "Fine, fine!" She threw her a lollypop.

Saria did her happy dance, which consisted of turning around in circles and swinging her arms and legs around madly. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Zelda and Saria looked at each other, grinned, then locked elbows and began doing the can-can. "ON THE GOOOOOOD SHIP, LOLLYPOP! DOO DOO DOO DOOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOOO!" Candy makes you do veeeeery odd things.

Navi slowly edged away. "Riiiiiggggggghhhhhttttt…..I'll just continue my investigation, then…" So Navi flew over to where the marble tripped Zelda, and pushed aside the bushes to reveal……….

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

Yes, a cliffhanger! Fwahahahhahahahahahahaha! Well, unless you've all ready read the story. Er. But it's still a cliffhanger nonetheless! HA! Review, please! Any flames I get will be used to burn the other flames. SO THERE!


	4. Chapter 4: Cute Forest Animals, So Unlov...

**Chapter 4: Cute Forest Animals, So Unloved  
**

**Disclaimer**: Zelda me no-no own.

**Thanks to:**

**Link who is not Link:** (blinkblink) Whatever floats yer boat. : D

**AAAyekoms:** And that is why you always have a concealed razor under your tongue whenever you're carted off to the mad house! (tosses you some sugar-filled candy) Weeeee!

**Masterful Foxboy A. Keysoonaer:** Yup, chipmunks are SO evil! Same with robins, dolphins, ducks, processed cheese, Teletubbies, any Disney character, Bob the Evil Chicken of Doom, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Toto from the Wizard of Oz…the list is never-ending! NEVER-ENDING, I TELLS YOU! AHHHH!

**Author's Note:** Hi again! Yeah, it's been a while. LIke 3 months…wow. What have I been doing, you ask? …Nothing! Oooo, you weren't expecting that, were you? Damn straight! HA! ANYway...(throws apologizes to all)

Okay, I am taking character requests for next chapter. If you want a short cameo, a medium cameo, a large cameo, or some random fictional character to show up, tell me! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**PS:** AAAyekoms gets a reserved cameo cuz he's so special…SPECIAL ED! Aha ha ha! …Yeeaaaahh. : D

WARNING: THIS STORY INCLUDES THE DEATHS OF SEVERAL CUTE FOREST ANIMALS. THIS STORY IS -NOT- FOR THOSE WHO LOVE CUTE FOREST ANIMALS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

And now…….Iiiiiiiittttttttt'ssssssss STORY TIME! EEEEEEEEEE!

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

**_Last time on Attack of the Chipmunks…_**

_…Navi flew over to where the marble tripped Zelda, and pushed aside the bushes to reveal…_

"BAMBI'S MOTHER?" Gasp, shock, awe! Yes, it was in fact Bambi's mother. Oh the furry humanity of it all. As the trio slowly backed away in fear, Bambi's Mother (BM) growled and showed her fangs, which she had gotten in a box of Count Chocula, but they still looked very menacing, so that was all right.

"Nice…deer-y……niiiiiiicccccceee deer-y…..I have a treat for yooooouuuuu…" Navi threw a lollypop at BM, who did the deer version of a happy dance and started licking it. A sweat drop formed on Navi's forehead. "That's right…eat your lollypop…" She hid a rather large tranquilizer gun behind her back.

"Mmmmmooorrmmmm?" said BM, looking annoyed. It translated roughly to, "This is a crappy lollypop! It tastes like a decaying camel! Do you hate me or something? Damn, lady!" Navi just smiled and looked friendly as she loaded the tranquilizer behind her back.

"Navi, what do you think you're doing with that?" Saria whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

Navi grinned. "Why, I'm goin' to make a profit for myself by charging people to see the Amazing Bambi's Mother, then when I'm done with her I'll put her head on my wall! I'll make millions, I tell you! MILLIONS!" The fairy foamed slightly at the mouth.

"That's horrible! For shame, Navi. For shame!"

"…How 'bout I cut you in with the money?"

Saria thought about it. For about .000000000001 of a second. Stupid ho…oops, naughty word! Shame on me! Hee hee. "…..Ok!"

Navi rubbed her wings (the wings that weren't holding the tranquilizer. Duh.) together in an evil sort of fashion. _Soon…_ she thought, _ Soon I shall have another head for my collection! Mwahahaha! Damn I'm evil. YAY!_

_(Scene goes to Navi's Pad and into her Head Room.)_

On the walls of the Head Room were various heads of fairies, Kokiri, Zoras, Dekus, Hyrulians, Gorons, monkeys, monsters, flowers, pineapples, and Tingle. Above the fireplace were three empty mounts, and on the plaques were the names…

SFX Guy turned on the suspenseful music.

……... 'Zelda', 'Link', and 'Saria'!

"Dun dun DUN!" said SFX Guy.

…..And in the corner was a mount that read 'SFX Guy'.

SFX Guy gulped. "Eep."

Hehehehe…

_(Scene goes back to the gang.)_

BM sniffed the lollypop suspiciously. "Rrrrmmoorr? Ruhr roh…." (Translation: Did a rabid raccoon already lick this or something? Uh oh…..) She started twitching madly and foamed at the mouth.

"Err…That's not normal, is it?" asked Zelda nervously.

"Nooooooooo…" said Saria, popping open a bottle of vodka to settle her nerves.

"…Poo."

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!" BM jumped at Navi, teeth bared, and starts beating the crap out of her like only a deer can do.

"………..!" went Navi.

Zelda and Saria began eating some chips that had magically appeared for some odd reason and watched the fight, chanting "Jerry! Jerry!"

"What," said Navi through gritted teeth. "Did (smack) you (smack) run out (NOT THE FACE! AHH!) of (pain) popcorn? (immense violence)"

"Sadly, yes we did." Zelda saluted an empty bag of popcorn as 'Taps' began playing in the background. "He was a good bag of popcorn. He shall be sorely missed." She sniffed, dabbing her eyes with a hankerchief.

Navi muttered something unprintable under her breath and whipped out tranquilizer, shooting BM in the side. The deer fell down and twitched a leg.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Navi started shooting BM repeatedly. "How do you like them apples? I SAID, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!" BM twitched some more and died. Navi continued shooting.

"Let's…sllooooowwwlllyyy….. edddddggggeeeeeee….aawwwwwwwaaayyyy…" said Saria, and she and Zelda backed away from the highly freaky scene.

"HALT!"

Saria jumped five feet in the air, green hair standing on end. Damn mysterious voices. Always making her hair stand on end….Stupid shmoes…

"Ummmmmmmmmmm..…We need to discuss this for a second. Team huddle!" Saria and Zelda went into a huddle, and after a whispered conversation, mostly consisting of Saria saying something and Zelda yelling, "WHAAAAAAT?", they straightened up. "After much consideration," said Saria, glaring slightly at Zelda. "We have decided that no, we shall not halt."

The Mysterious Voice seemed a bit confused. It hadn't expected this. "Ummm….yeeeesss…?"

Zelda tilted her head to the side. "Why should we?"

"Because…because…because…ummmmmm…."

"Yeeeesssssssssss? Spill it out, man!" Oh my, princesses are rather snippish, aren't they? Pshaw.

"……." said the Mysterious Voice. Shuffling was heard, and out through the bushes came….

Zelda and Saria took a deep breath. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-,"

The Authoress coughed, checking her watch. "Wrap it up! Damn!"

"--WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! IT'S A BUNNY RABBIT!"

The Bunny Rabbit (formerly known as Mysterious Voice) sniffed indignantly. "I have a NAME, ya know!"

"Wassat, cutie?" asked Saria, acting out of character what with her not chasing the rabbit around with a pointy stick then roasting it slowly over a roaring fire and all. Freaky.

"….Thumper." muttered Thumper, looking down at his oversized feet.

Zelda squealed like the little girl she is. "Awwwwwwwww, THAT IS SUCH A CUTE NAME!"

"Now see here, you're trespassing on private property, and—" began Thumper (formerly known as Bunny Rabbit, formerly known as Mysterious Voice), then stopped as he noticed the dead body of BM with Navi hovering overhead, yelling obscenities and kicking it with metaphorical legs. "HOLY CRAP, YOU KILLED BAMBI'S MOTHER! MURDERERS! THE WHOLE LOT OF YA! MMMUUURRRDDEEERREEERRSSSSS!"

"Be quiet! Shhhhh! We are NOT!" whispered Saria in a freakishly loud voice.

"MURDERERS! MURDERERS! MURDE--" Thumper's voice was muffled by Zelda.

"SHADDUP!" she shrieked. Thumper, in retaliation, twitched and died from suffocation.

"Hello? Hello?" She shook Thumper. "THUMPER? THUMPER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I KILLED THUMPER!" Zelda made a dramatic pose, and the SFX Guy, who was lounging around in the bushes, jumped up and went, "Dun dun DUUUN!", then went back to playing cards with his imaginary friends.

A Random Forest Bird (RFB) fluttered over to the group. "Hi, I was wondering if you had any seeds to donate to—" He noticed the bodies of Thumper and BM. "YOU KILLED THUMPER AND BAMBI'S MOTHER! YOU KILLED 'EM! COLD BLOODED KILLERS! COLD BLOODED KIL—" he screamed, but was muffled by Zelda.

"WE ARE NOT!" she shouted, and simultaneously muffled RFB to death.

"Well…you are, and Navi is, so TECHNICALLY you guys ARE murderers. Not me, though! I'm goooOOOooood!" said Saria, but she was still drunk so her words don't count.

Anyhoo, the cruel muffling process was repeated several times with a turtle, several more birds, a raccoon, and a flying fish, whose presence in the forest was unknown to all.

Saria gaily edged around the numerous bodies, and stuck her tongue out at Zelda, who was close to a mental breakdown. "See? I'm still soooooo good!"

At that moment a Random Forest Spider (RFS) wandered over. "G'day mates! I wa—"

Saria screamed like a drunk who had just seen a spider. Which she was, and which she did, so I'm right. Nyer nyer nyer! Ahem. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EVIL AUSTRALIAN SPIDER OF DOOOOOOOOOMMM!" she screamed, and squished it into a sad little spider pancake. She grimaced. "Ewwwwwwwww, now my shoe's all icky!" She threw her shoe into the bushes, where it hit and killed a mouse. But it was an evil mouse, so that was all right.

Zelda smirked. "Who's the murderer NOOOOOWWW?"

"You are."

"…Damn you and your logic."

Navi, who was finally done yelling/kicking BM, flew over. "We ALL happen to be murderers, so I suggest we get out of here as fast as possible and change our identities. I shall be Kiki, Saria will be Lisa and Zelda will be….Chuck. Ok?

"Sure, ok!" said Saria, who was rather fond of the name Kiki.

Zelda pouted. "Why do I have to have a boy's name? I'm not a boy!"

"You sure look like one, though…"

Zelda growled. "SHADDUP!" she screamed, pouncing on Saria. The duo slapped, kicked, punched, scratched, and poked each other for all they were worth. A rather cartoonish cloud of dust formed around them, with arms, legs, and heads occasionally bobbing out of it.

Navi just shrugged and ate some of the leftover chips.

"STOP!" shouted a voice from the bushes. Zelda and Saria continued fighting. It took a lot more then a single word to stop a cat fight.

"CEST AND DESIST! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDERS OF BAMBI'S MOTHER, THUMPER THE RABBIT, BOB THE BIRD, SPEEDY THE TURTLE, BILL THE BIRD, BO THE BIRD, FRED THE BIRD, ROCKO THE RACCOON, (takes deep breath) JOE THE FLYING FISH, STEVE THE AUSTRALIAN SPIDER, AND MS. MEOWZER THE MOUSE! BUT THE LAST ONE DOESN'T REALLY COUNT 'CAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, SHE WAS PRETTY EVIL. ANYTHING YOU SAY OR DO CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN THE COURT OF LAW!

Saria stopped in mid-slap and folded her arms. "…Fudge monkies."

Zelda, on the other hand, took the more dramatic route. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPER! UP YOURS!" she screamed, and fled.

"Wait for it….." said the voice.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zelda came running back "SNNNNNAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Badger badger badger!" replied Saria happily. ((If anyone else gets that, you get a cookie.))

"Good work, Slithers!"

"Thanksssss, bossssssss!" said Slithers (the Snake, duh!) and slithered away into The Twilight Zone…I mean, he just slithered away. Yeah. Erm. Right.

"Ok, put your hands behind you back and close your eyes…" said the voice.

"Ooooo, a surprise! I bet its candy! YAY!" Zelda gleefully put her hands behind her back and closed her eyes, giggling to herself.

"Zelda…?" started Saria, doing likewise.

"Yeeeeeeeeeessss?"

"…Shaddup."

Navi, Zelda, and Saria, with arms/wings behind their backs and eyes closed, waited for the mysterious voice to give them their candies…or whatever it was giving them. Rustling was heard, and the voice came through the bushes to reveal…THE MYSTERY VOICE CAME FROM A BUTTERFLY! WEARING A POLICE HAT! OMFG! THAT'S INTERESTING! PROCESSED CHEESE SHALL RULE THE WORLD! AND MONKIES DO THE HULA!

...ANYWAY, Mr. Police Butterfly fluttered over and handcuffed the criminals. "Okaaayyyy, open your eyes!"

Navi flipped around, then turned bright red and jingled at the sight of who they were captured by. "WHAT? WE WERE PUSHED AROUND BY A BUTERFLY? THIS IS SOOOOOO DEMEANING!"

"Yep! That's the plan!" replied the Butterfly Cop merrily. Navi twitched. A hoard of butterflies came over and led the trio away, much to the annoyance of Navi, blissful ignorance of Zelda, and drunken drunkenness of Saria.

Butterfly Cop looked over the scene, and shook his head sadly. "Someone get a clean-up crew over here, will you? Crikey!"

"Hey, that's my line!" yelled Steve the Australian Spider.

"…Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Oh yeah…Frick." said Steve, and died…again.

..ooOO00OOoo..

Narrator: Next time on Attack of the Chipmunks: Navi turns into a fairy Hannibal Lector, Saria becomes a spokesperson for the Wrapping Paper Industry, Zelda writes the greatest novel of all time, and live from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Aha ha ha! Anyhoo, read (which I'm assuming you just did), review, and tell me if you want a cameo! THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!  



	5. Chapter 5: Plottings at the AdoraJail

**The Legend of Zelda: Attack of the Chipmunks**

**Chapter 5: Plottings at the AdoraJail**

**..ooOO00OOoo.. **

Yup, I've finally updated! Weeee! I sure am unreliable, aren't I? Daaaamn straight.

_My most gracious thanks toooo:_

**Ayekmos**: Ha haaaaa! You're in the nut house! Neener neener neeeener! (realizes she's rolled up in a carpet…at the bottom of the river…eating some chocolate) Errr, nevermind…

**Japanimeniac**: YAY POINTLESSNESS! WEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Lulu56**: BADGER BADGER BADGER!

**Crank Yanker 606**: Since I was reading your profile and it says you speak French, I decided to respond to you in sad language._ Merci de la revue. 'Banane' est un mot drôle. Ho ho ho. _That's a French laugh, by the way. Ooooh yeah.

**Tigerfreako1**: (blinks) That's nice…

**Wolfy McCloudy**: (pokes with a stick) Pokey pokey…SQUEE!

**Devil Seifer:** Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

**Author's Note:** SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER! DOO DOO DOO DOO DO DOO! Hot shiz! With my 7 extra hours of free time, I'll be updating this a lot more often! Shuweeeeet.

**..oOO00OOoo..**

_Last time on Attack of the Chipmunks…_

Saria, Navi, and Saria were arrested by the Butterfly Cops for the numerous murders of lovable forest animals…and a flying fish. They were led off and thrown in the horrific, the terrifying, the mind-boggling…AdoraJail. It's like Oz, but a hell of a lot scarier.

"Man, this sucks." muttered Navi, flying around the ceiling light in ragged circles.

"No shiz, Sherlock." came Saria's sour reply as she poured herself another drink from the mini-bar found in the corner of the cell, surrounded by bright Christmas lights, for some reason. (Note: The AdoraJail's view on drunkenness is this: All inmates should be drunk, because drunk people are easier to taser and beat with sticks. Hence the mini-bar and daily beatings. Yeah. Indeed. )

Navi blinked. "But you said I couldn't be Sherlock…"

"Just…Shut up, will you?"

Zelda sat near the door of the cell, banging a metal cup happily against the bars. Where she got the cup is a complete mystery. Saria, eyes glowing slightly red, walked over and smacked her upside the head. "Quiet, honey. Mummy has a hangover and if you don't shut up, Mummy may just have to strangle you. There's a good girl." Giving her a nice pat on the head, the Kokiri slunk off to the corner and poured herself another drink. Zelda blinked several times, then continued banging the metal cup against the bars.

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP, DAMMIT!" A bottle of gin came whistling through the air towards the back of the princess's head. She ducked and it went flying through the bars, landing in a neighboring cell. That was followed by Saria cursing her black little heart out whilst stamping her feet to the ground and the prisoner who had the fortune of receiving the gin being stabbed by his cellmate, who was then stabbed by the third cellmate, Elmo, who then took the gin and got drunk as hell (which, by the way, was the reason he lost his job on Sesame Street after an unfortunate incident with Big Bird, the Grouch, and a sharpened banana).

The moral of the story? Don't piss off a drunk unless you have a lot of booze on hand.

"…And I choose not to listen. Tee hee."

"…I'm going to my happy place now." Saria crawled off and huddled in the corner, muttering to herself.

"Have fuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Zelda said cheerfully.

"Well, this is gonna get really annoying, reaaaaally fast…" said Navi, wishing she had a pointy object to end her suffering. Sadly, she used all of her stock on Bambi's mother. Pity.

Zelda, getting bored with the repitional "clink clink clink", decided to play the "Cheers" theme song. Norm and Cliff started balling their eyes out in the next cell over.

"…I was right." groaned the fairy, smacking her head against the wall. Zelda got out some drumsticks and played a solo across the bars.

"…And it just got worst. Damn my craptacular luck."

**One Hour Later**

Saria still sat off in the corner, rocking back and forth, her alcohol-laced thumb in her mouth. Navi kept on flying in circles near the lovely pink ceiling, making airplane noises. Zelda had discarded the drumsticks and was playing the "Jeopardy" tune with the metal cup.

"Clink clink clink clink, clink clink clink, clink clink clink clink cliiiinkkkkk cli cli cli clink clink clink clink clink clink, CLINK cli cli cli clink clink clink—"

"CLUNK." Navi wrenched the cup from her hands and smashed it against Zelda's head. She went cross-eyed and toppled over. "…Better?"

Saria withdrew her thumb from her mouth and nodded happily. "Much. Thaaaaank yew!"

"No problem, yo."

"I feel preeeeetty, oh so preeee-"

"Shut up, Zelda." said Saria and Navi simultaneously.

"Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssiwonderifanybodyisstillreadingthissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshi!sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst." pssted a Mysterious Voice. The Gang blinked dumbly.

Saria stuck her head through the adjoining cell and glared at the Mysterious Voice. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" pssted Saria back into the darkness.

"I do believe I've found a way to escape this hellhole, but I'll need your help, old chums..." whispered the Mysterious Voice mysteriously.

"…Are…are you English?" asked Navi, metaphorical eyes alight with hope.

"Nooo…I'm Australian. …Dumbass." replied the Mysterious Voice coldly.

"…Sorry."

"S' okay. Anyway, back on topic. My plan is brilliant. Okay, are you ready for it? Okay, heeeere it is…" And thus the Mysterious Voice, who we shall call Crank Yanker, or CY, harkened the plan to the Usual Gang of Idiots. A few gasps escaped their lips, with cries of "It'll never work!" and "Impossible!" and "Won't somebody please think of the children!" After a few minutes, he finished, with a satisfied smile on his face. "…Ready?"

"READY!"

**..ooOO00OOoo..**

"OHMYGAWDTHEPAINTHEHORRIBLEHORRIBLEPAINSOMEONEHELPOHDEARGAWDHELPMEEEARRRRGHHH…"

The guard at the desk sighed, putting down his Gameboy sadly. It was his first week on the job, and already he had to -he shuddered- help a prisoner. It went against his very upbringing! Nevertheless, he had to do his job. Remorsefully he got out of is plush chair and went to see what the problem was.

"THAT'S RIGHT, BLONDIE! FEEL THE BURN! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING BLONDE! MWA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The man hurried down the narrow tunnel, avoiding the clutches of various prisoners. The screams of pain were getting louder now. In fact, they were right around the corner…

He took a deep breath. Bring it on, yo, as the young folk said. Quick as on oversized mouse on steroids, he jumped out from around the bend, wielding his police stick in a haphazard sort of way. "Now, now, what's going on he--" He stopped mid-sentence, eyes widened. "_You?_"

"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" shouted Saria as she smashed Zelda's face repeatedly into the squishy retro carpet of the cell floor from her perch atop the hot, sweaty princess.

And no, this isn't cheap, lesbian porno, thankyouverymuch.

The green-haired girl, however, stopped as she caught sight of the guard, dropping Zelda's head to the floor. She, too, looked up through blood-stained eyes, squirming uselessly under Saria, and gasped.

"_Ganondorf?_"

**.ooOO00OOoo..**

**Authress: **Yes, this is the second-shortest chapter so far. Too bad, suckahs! MWA HA HAAA! (flies away on Flying Monkey)

**Wolf McCloud:** ...WHERE THE HELL'S MY CAMEO!

**Authress:** Ummm...Next chapter...? Along with Ayekmos, of course...MWAAA! (dissappears)


End file.
